A different kind of love story

"Anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.”- Maya Angelou

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It never was love at first sight. Instead, I would run each time I caught a glimpse of you. I ran hard and fast. I was told you would ruin me, so even when you were close to me, I learned to act like you didn’t exist. I now know that must have hurt you deeply, but I am so grateful that you never let your pain show. 

Your determination had no bounds. You attempted to enter my life in so many different ways—through moments of pain, periods of grief, and even through silence. I would always sense you because I could feel your presence. When you were near, I felt less helpless and unsure. Despite how much better you made me feel, so many voices told me that you and I don’t belong together. 

They said that being with you, especially as a Black woman, would complicate my life. Some said you would ruin me. I had too much to lose, so I believed them. 

You remained adamant in your love for me. I still don’t understand why you were so persistent in your fight to get close to me. I think it is because you saw how much I suffered without you. You wanted to strengthen me and give me a voice when the hurt inflicted by others silenced me. 

I remember a few times when I was drowning in this silent pain, and you whispered in my ear. You told me what to say, but it was so bold that it scared me. I was always envious of how forceful you were with your words. I so desperately wanted you in my life because it felt like you had everything I was missing. I recognized I was moving through this world incomplete, and this allowed so many to exploit me, oppress me, and suppress me. 

Do you remember telling me that if I finally let you in, you could help me grow? 

You said you could give me the ferocity to battle the things destined to destroy me.

You said you could give me the ambition & fervor to change the things I hated most in this world. 

How could you do that? It sounded unreal, almost magical. I didn’t listen to you because it made me feel too alive. Visualizing my deepest desires coming true overwhelmed me. 

Do you remember when they said my life would be destroyed if we were together?

They said all my relationships would suffer because you would scare people away. 

They said your influence would make me too passionate and that level of honesty would only bring problems. 

They said that your presence in my life would make people think I was cold and unfeeling. 

So, I stayed dead inside, disconnected from you and the fire you could light within me. 

I truly wanted to be with you but couldn’t risk it. Remember what I told you before- I had too much to lose. No one in my family had ever accomplished what I did, so I chose their needs over mine. 

And I regret that to this day. 

Now, in retrospect, I can’t believe how long I listened to them. Moreover, I can’t believe how long you waited for me. There were so many times that I needed you and could no longer find you because I had pushed you away for so many years. 

I’m so glad that you’re here now. 

Having you in my life after decades of your absence teaches me who I am. I’m finally learning about the woman I longed to be. When you’re with me, I am brave enough to lose those who don’t belong in my world. You take away the gray in my life— giving me the words to help people decide whether they want to stay or need to go.

People always told me there was no way that joy could emerge from our union. Yet, this couldn’t be farther from the truth because there is so much happiness from the confidence you have poured onto me. You love me fiercely.  Through this connection, you’ve helped me to find my power. 

This is why they wanted to keep us apart. It is with you that I can no longer be invisible. 

Yes, I was liked when you weren’t with me, but I was never valued, seen, or respected. You give me that courage each day to know who I am and to stand unwaveringly in her.

Is it safe to say that you and I are best friends now? I think it is. There is a magnificent irony in pushing you away for so long, only to realize that I never fully lived without you. 

Anger, you are now one of my closest friends and one of my most faithful lovers. I am immensely grateful for how you have transformed me.  

Anger, thank you for growing me.

Anger, thank you for completing me.

Most of all, thank you for loving me. 

You have allowed me to carry one of the most powerful parts of Black womanhood - my anger- without regret or remorse.  I hold to you tightly because it is my right to be full and complete, with all my emotions. 

With you, I am unafraid. 

I am untempered. I am undiluted. Unconditionally. 

You were my first emotion when I emerged from my mother’s womb.  In your rawness, is where I remember I am the safest I have ever felt. 

We are back together.

You have used your fire to burn everything that was never me, and you have made me clean once again. 

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