How we lost our way... and our love
“We feel around in the dark / for something to hold / and learn / too late / it’s ourselves.” - Tracy K. Smith
From The Healing Journal, where I share what life is teaching me these days.
It happens like clockwork every day. A yellow sun rises into a light blue sky. No explanation needed. Then, at some point, when they tire from doing all they can for everyone else, they return to each other and exit stage left — to rest.
Early on, I had faith that you and I would be like clockwork.
I believed in a timeless journey. A road where we would traverse what life brought us, together as sky and sun, separate beings but also inseparable. That is not our story anymore, and if I'm being honest, I have come to finally see that it never was.
Instead, this is the story where I learned one can only play a part for so long and hide their disappointment for even less.
I remembered that look on your face when you finally saw me, the woman who was imperfect and impatient. She was in direct opposition to what you desired, and it took too many years—over a decade—for me to fully understand how much you silently despised her. What a slow and surreal discovery - how did I not realize that my full self had never been welcome in your presence?
When the road became treacherous, I had been conditioned to stay no matter what, holding steadfast to denial. Then denial breeds desperation. And desperation always leads to martyrdom.
And when we looked out, we realized we were lost. There I was, confused and unable to recognize myself. There you were, smiling and pretending that this indeed was the planned destination. We killed ourselves to fulfill roles that neither of us had agreed to nor desired. We said yes to a double suicide of self, for a story that we could write together, but ultimately would never make it on the page.