It's okay if you don't like me.

"It’s not your job to be understood. It’s your job to understand yourself." - Cicely Belle Blain

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It's okay if you don't like me. 

I don’t know why it takes us so long as women to get to this sacred place where our words cannot sit silently on the tips of our tongues. I don’t know how we’ve kept our mouths closed for so long; our lips pressed together to create a forced smile that ensures we don’t become a target. 

But my face hurts, so I won’t do it anymore. 

I no longer care if you see me, but you will hear me. I will speak for my ancestors because you rendered them voiceless. You threatened to usurp their power and take away everything- their homes, their dreams, and even their lives. 

So, they stayed silent because they believed that their silence would allow us to speak. 

We will never disrespect their sacrifice, and now that they live within us, we unleash the voices that you assumed they never had. 

We have spent lifetimes living under your oppression—your disregard of our words, your dismissal of our opinions, and your devaluation of our presence—and over time, we believed you. It was then that your work was complete. So we grabbed the baton and continued this work by doubting ourselves and worrying about what others would think.

We now say no more.

We thought so much about how everyone perceived each step we took in our life that we forgot to live it. 

However, things have changed. 

So let me remind you, it’s okay if you don’t like me.

I am comfortable with being your villain because this world has always hated the women I love the most. From their lessons, I’ve learned how to love myself fiercely while you hate me.

I can do this because I know that there is still so much I have to give within this flawed and imperfect human I am. And your blindness to my humanity will ensure you experience none of it.  

You never took the time to see all of me, so my metamorphosis surprised you. The place where you met me is not where I will choose to stay. You wanted me to define myself in black and white, but I have always played in the greys. 

I am a person who uplifts and also says the wrong thing. I am a person who cares and also forgets to call back. I am a person who supports and is also impatient. I am forever becoming, so I will never just be. 

Women, why does it take so many years for us to realize our purpose has never been to please?

Instead, we are here to exist fully in our calling. 

Living in this fullness, you will find that my words will stretch you. You will see that my opposition will shift you. You will understand that my intensity will grow you. 

I am here to violently push you off the cliff of comfort where so many women have allowed you to stay. 

So to distract us from our power, you tried to destroy us. You didn’t realize how our breakdowns would elevate us.  You had no idea that the helplessness of our past lives would mutate into a powerful future existence. 

Now, you are scared. But what terrifies you the most? 

Is it that we now value our beliefs and values more than your perception of them? 

Is it that we now move freely without trying to shapeshift for your acceptance?

Is it that we no longer force our presence to change in your presence?

We are no longer tormented by the places where we falter. We can grieve the wrong paths we've taken and then recreate ourselves into the unabashed women who continue to save this world.

I won’t let you keep me from who I am supposed to be because a life with regret is worse than death. 

Allowing others to halt your life to a standstill, devoid of any motion towards your vision, is the cruelest punishment we can inflict on ourselves. 

Little Black, Indigenous & brown girls must see me make mistakes. They must see me collapse and cry because only then will they feel my laughter and joy as I stand back up and finally get it right- on the third try.

We will finally learn that we are allowed to fail. 

We will finally learn that we are allowed to feel. 

We will finally learn that we are allowed to fight.

We will no longer learn to be complacent, living in spaces where we cannot see ourselves because we are looking at you.  We will no longer exist in opposition to our authenticity because we were trained to please you.

Our future has always been bigger than what you believed about us. It grows each day as we discover and overcome our challenges, cling tighter to our values, come closer to the people who cherish us, and love the self that we are transforming into.

And when you see us in this nakedness, unashamed and free, it will scare you. You will say it is inappropriate. You will tell me I am a disappointment. Or maybe even a disgrace.

And how will I respond? 

I will stand taller

and dance

and jump 

and yell

and shake 

and I will not stop until you walk away. 

No, you will run. 

You will run because you decided we can’t coexist side by side. You believe that in order for you to breathe, you must take away my right to, so you keep your foot on my neck. You never knew that greatness only exists outside of yourself. So instead of exchanging our gifts to grow each other, you try to take mine. 

And now that I will no longer let you do so, you run. 

It’s clear you hate my presence. It’s clear you can’t stand me. It’s clear you don’t like me.

Yet, like I said before, I’m okay if you don’t like me but I'll never find out

because I was too busy finding myself

and falling back in love with her.

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