No Mercy. The fight between me and the woman I'm becoming
"Sometimes you don't survive whole, you just survive in part. But the grandeur of life is that attempt." - Toni Morrison
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I miss her. She looks the same but there is no trace of who she used to be.
She is me.
This ongoing battle between who would stay and who would leave went unnoticed because it was overshadowed by a cataclysm of personal events: unexpected life transitions, painful losses, new roles, and increased responsibilities that I will not disclose here.
Although so many things were shifting, I remained calm. What did scare me was the shift I never saw coming- losing the person I was.
Things were easier with her. She never said no. Most importantly, everyone liked her. There were no big emotions here—actually, no emotions were allowed, except for happiness.
She didn't feel. She just did.
Fast-forward a year, and now she’s fighting to stay. However, she can’t because all the decisions she made in the past are being overturned. Long-term habits are being unlearned, and beliefs that were thought to be truths are being defied.
The alone time that I have always cherished as a card-carrying introvert has now become the venue for one of the biggest fights in my life.
Me vs. the me I am forced to become.
Spoiler alert: Becoming is kicking my butt.
So, I've resorted to desperate measures to get away from myself. I've tried people-ing, which I hate, to distance myself from my mind. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that listening to the voices of others can drown out your inner voice, but only for so long.
It's overwhelming to know that if you truly said what you felt, what you were really experiencing, it would uproot everything you’ve ever known.
However, at some point, my truth was revealed. I couldn't hold it in any longer, and that small flame quickly became a wildfire, burning down everything on its path- including the normalcy of life that my loved ones and I used to enjoy.
The fire continues and will not be extinguished. It is filled with unanswered questions, unmade decisions and undone actions. My usual tactics to escape these critical conversations with myself have become futile. A song, a show, or even an earnest greeting will trigger me and send me hurling back to emotionally exhausting discussions about the inevitable changes I need to make.
But change is painful. It kills. Change will not allow the old version of me to survive. It is not remorseful either, because it knows that what existed was never truly me.
The one thing about trying to hide from the emotions and feelings you're going through, like I am doing by writing this piece, is that you realize you can never hide. You can never be alone because your thoughts will always be with you. The emotions will consume you because that is the only way they can transform you.
To be honest, it's not the emotions that scare me the most but the unpredictability of how they rush to the surface. It is a complete loss of control.
I am well aware that nothing is under our control, but for some reason, I never realized that this included not being in control of myself. This reality has permeated every part of my life, where I will find myself sobbing on the couch after laughing hysterically just a few seconds earlier.
I start to think to myself about how treasonous my mind is. I mean, who has time to experience emotions and feel feelings?
Everything that was once a certainty in my life has become unclear, and it’s frightening. It's not the fact I have no clue what this next chapter of my life will look like, but the anxiety that arises from not knowing when I'll find relief.
Moreover, I can’t plan my way out of this dilemma. I'm usually equipped to solve challenges, not to experience them. Creating that distance between fighting and facing a problem has always been a necessity because experiencing challenges means also living through the volatility between anger and despair, loneliness and overwhelm, anxiety and apathy.
If my emotions are unpredictable, then so am I. I want to be steady. I need to be steady.
However, the concept of change being the only constant in one's life is not new to me. Paradoxically, change has literally defined my life. I am a person who has had different chapters and evolutions.
However, all of those shifts were ones that I prompted. I decided when the change happened. Now, in these recent moments, change is suddenly being cast upon me. It feels so foreign and so heavy.
So, with no other options, I am relegated to feeling my emotions. They are big, uncomfortable, and unrelenting.
Since I can't hide from myself, I attempt to hide from everyone. If I engage, you never know if it's the innocent hug, the polite hello, or the kind “How are you?” that will send me into a fit of rage, overflowing tears, or shattering me into broken pieces.
I can't let them see me like this.
Unsure. Uncertain. Uncertain. Unable.
Nobody needs to see that.
Nobody wants to see that.
But yes I need to feel that.
I was raised to fight rather than feel. That never felt comfortable, so I trained myself to do the next best thing- flee. I've been successful at that- fleeing from others who create big emotions within me.
But I'm finding it so hard to escape from myself.
It's been so easy to numb myself with TV, podcasts, books and exercise, but these familiar distractions are failing me.
I can no longer run away from myself. I am being forced to run towards a new version of myself, a version honestly, that I can't even stand.
This woman scares me.
She says what she feels.
She takes breaks.
She discloses her exhaustion.
She doesn't placate.
She removes people from her life if they can't provide reciprocity.
She is kind, but not nice.
She shares what she needs.
She lets people know she is not their savior.
She's not theirs at all. She's her own being.
Is it strange that I am terrified of this woman that I'm becoming? Is it even more perplexing that she has become my hero?
This woman has become my refuge and my revolution.
“Revolution begins with the self, in the self”
- Toni Cade Bambara
I guess the funny thing about finally feeling all of the emotions is that you realize that you're still standing. That ominous fear of feeling hurt, pain, grief, anger, anxiety, embarrassment and rejection starts to dissipate when you realize there is no monster on the other side. The only thing on the other side is more life.
The feelings come; you walk through them, and you're still upright, alive, and breathing. How anticlimactic.
So now my mind is challenged because it has no excuses. It's learning the fallacy of fears that I have upheld for decades.
My thoughts have decided to become courageous. They no longer are complacent with keeping me comfortable.
Now do you see why I so desperately wanted a distraction? Why I was pleading for things to stay the same?
Instead, I will actually have to feel all of the things and move to the next level.
This means I can no longer delay because the mission is too great, too big, too important.
I will feel, I will suffer, I will experience, and then I will continue with my life, but this is the pathway to the only thing that I ever wanted - freedom.
So I take a breath, inhaling transparency, vulnerability, and unpredictability—all things I abhor but that are necessary for me to live fully.
Then I exhale. I exhale the self-imposed chains that have controlled my life for way too long: the chains of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and lack of boundaries.
The air is crisp and clean. She breathes fully without hesitation. She is fully me now.
I see the mountains in a new way that I have never seen before. I no longer perseverate on the past mistakes or worry about the future, and in doing so, I feel less afraid.
The challenges are still present. They are not my obstacles but my gifts, teaching me about myself along the way.
Is this what Audre meant when she said “I am deliberate and afraid of nothing”?
There is no need to fight. No need to flee. I’m just focused.
This feels different. It feels good. It feels hard. It feels possible. It feels—
Wait, a second…
I'm finally feeling.
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-O