She is a seed of fear growing into a tree of ferocity.
"Be nobody's darling; Be an outcast. Take the contradictions Of your life And wrap around You like a shawl, To parry stones To keep you warm.” -Alice Walker
This is a piece from The Healing Journal, where I share my most intimate pieces with our paid subscribers. I appreciate you for reading and supporting my work as a writer. Each of my writings requires much time and thought, and it feels so validating when you subscribe.
There is so much unlearning happening in my life right now, and it is dizzying. I’m seeing beliefs that I’ve held onto for so long quickly disintegrate into oblivion.
There is something that takes your breath away when you watch your ideologies that were once so rigid, first bend then completely break.
I'm listening to my iron-clad theories about life, womanhood and religion, that guided so many decisions in my life, suddenly and slowly become illegitimate.
It is startling. It is shocking. Sometimes, it’s saddening. It’s definitely surprising.
Is this me? I’m in my questioning but also emboldened era
Why do we never reveal this confusion of our lives as women to other women? Why do we keep it so guarded when there are so many of us who would have wanted to know what was coming?
We didn’t want to know so we could avoid it or even prepare for it. We wanted to know so we could honor the unease, the disarray. So we give glory, honor, and praise to the mess.
I didn’t know this was coming. So when this wilderness experience arrived, I thought I had failed. I was fearful that my life was coming to an end.
However, the wise women know that being lost has never meant confusion but creation. This is the time in our lives where we ourney of finally being found- finding ourselves as who we were meant to be.
In the past few years, I have realized how many of us construct our lives to be so small, so restricted, and so confined that we never really get to see who we were supposed to become.
It's so strange that at the age of 43, I'm finally acknowledging the things that were buried deep within me but took decades to re-emerge—because being lost does not mean there is no path. It means you must clear the debris to see the way forward. Often, it means destroying the structures & pillars of your life that you once thought were necessary.
It means unlearning, removing, and dismantling. I am both exhausted by what I have done and energized by what I have unearthed.
Did I mention how frightening this is?
Coming face to face with the uncertainty of your future, after being told the lie that following a certain path will result in a certain outcome.
It is the lie that keeps us facing forward. It is the lie that dims our curiosity, so we don’t look to the sides and wonder, “what if?” It is the lie that tells us to laugh and deny “impossible” futures for ourselves, instead of considering and pursuing them.
So when the truth is discovered, you can't go back anymore.
As a woman, I realize how much had been decided for me, and how much I allowed it to be so. I permitted it because of the promise. There was an unspoken promise that if I did the right things - excel in school, get the good job, be “virtuous” so a man would choose me, get married, have children- that I would lack nothing. In this story, I was supposed to achieve everything I should as a woman.
This would be the way towards the epitome of fulfillment and joy.
Everything I should. Not everything I could.