Surviving the silence of separation
“When I meditated on silence, I began to hear the voices of ancestors and the whispers of possibility.” - Alice Walker
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Your silence won’t kill me,
colluding with your actions to
overwhelm my thoughts
and conquer my mind.
Your silence won’t drown me
as it forces me to trudge through
the thick mud of your absence.
Each step reminds me that your affection was
never guaranteed but
a mere transactional exchange.
I purchased it with pieces of myself
that I vowed to disguise
until I was unrecognizable
and you were satisfied.
And in the moments
that turned to years,
that transformed to decades,
you became an enigma to me.
Unknowable and impenetrable
Inflexible with your demand for
my light to dim
until we both could no longer
see each other.
It made our shadows hesitant to cross paths,
fearful of inducing a memory of what once was.
I had to temporarily leave my body
to fully see
how our voices
rose to unimaginable decibels
filled with unspeakable words
that we flung at each other.
Words spoken over each other became shouts
then unintelligible screams until
we became deaf to each other’s pleas for rationality
and mute to each other’s petitions for any response
We fought with words
But words can also forgive,
and you decided I deserved none of those
So silence filled each room.
Suffocating any tenderness that remained
Choking us not to our bodily death but
the demise of our connection.
It was in this space of grief,
costumed as tranquility and serenity,
that I learned that it is not in the movements,
but in the silence forced unto us,
that some of us get radicalized.
The quiet opened my ears
and I heard the muffled sounds of the woman
who had gone hoarse
screaming for her freedom.
My sacrifice would no longer be our savior.
“There is always power in silence.
Just as words are potent, silence has its place.
It allows us to gather strength, to plan, to outlast.”
- Nikki Giovanni
My sight became clear
so I could see the other side
of the road that I thought was impassable
only to learn it was just you
blocking the light.
Sometimes you were away
but your judgment loomed through
always there, never giving space.
You knew if you allowed in the tiniest gust of wind
it might just be enough for me to fly.
Silence was the loudest white noise.
It stilled my heart
and for an instant,
I thought I died.
Then it shocked me back into the living world
And as my heart recaptured its beat,
it also found the love I had lost for myself.
The only sound was it speaking to me
allowing me to exist—not in perfection,
but in my missteps,
reclaiming the freedom that I gave up.
I find myself unbound,
dancing to a harmony of unspoken words
unchained to your emotional roller-coaster
that terrified me even before the drop.
I held my breath for so long,
risking my life because
I was afraid of your silence
and the distance it would create.
I knew it would destroy us
and we would change forever.
The waters would grow murky
And the current would be too strong
Forcing us to stay on our shores
waiting in vain for the other to venture out first
You waited for the silence to work its magic.
As it had done countless times before.
Swimming to you out of desperation
Believing I would lose everything
Ignorant to how I was losing myself.
So I stayed
And you called me crazy.
You said I destroyed everything
And you’re right
the version of me you needed and depended on —
she did not return
I let her burn
Now you would have to see her
charred, battered, bruised, and
finally healing from your exploitation of our love.
Since I no longer had anything that you could use
You removed yourself from our narrative
I was waiting for tears to leave my eyes
but surprised when it was only terror that left my spirit,
as I untied myself from you.
A knowing has silently emerged
A steadiness has fully enveloped me
After you stripped me of your love
Only to find adoration for myself
that was patiently waiting
to be discovered.
So I could recover.
I thought it would be worse than death.
But the absence of "us,"
has not killed “me”
but showed me a new way to live.
Your silence became my lighthouse,
guiding me through and to myself
never to be lost again
A constant reminder to never again
let my voice go
silent.
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