The evolving definition of men in my life
"Loving anybody and being loved by anybody is a tremendous danger, a tremendous responsibility." - James Baldwin
This is a piece from The Healing Journal, where I share my most intimate pieces with our paid subscribers. I appreciate you for reading and supporting my work as a writer. Each of my writings requires much time and thought, and it feels so validating when you subscribe.
As I consider the many challenges I am confronting this year, two things have been revealed to me: the steadfast comfort and loyalty of the women in my life and the paucity of men who have also been able to stand in the gap for me.
I have struggled for years with self-love and the need for external validation from friends, family, and significant others. The transitions in this middle era of my life have made it abundantly clear that my primary work and mission has been the daily practice of loving myself as a Black woman.
This focus on self-love has allowed me to reevaluate and expand my expectations regarding external love. I have started to learn what I need from friends and family. This dramatic shift in learning who I am and what I want has taken over four decades on this Earth and is now leading me to evolve my definition of womanhood.
One revelation during this reflective period has been that while I haven’t necessarily needed connections with men, I still want them. But it has also prompted me to clarify who these men are.
I no longer use the word “man” for just anyone who identifies with the male gender.
Just as I have had to impose boundaries on literally every area of my life, I have imposed boundaries on who I see as a man. In my interactions with people of the male gender, only a minority have consistently acted in ways that demonstrated selflessness, respect, kindness, and love for me.
I see these few individuals, a number I can count on one hand, as the “men” in my life.
I’m also learning that I am not alone. Many women continue to have connections with fathers, brothers, husbands, and romantic partners that are devoid of honest communication, authentic collaboration, and trust.
“…One day they hold you in the
Palms of their hands, gentle, as if you
Were the last raw egg in the world. Then
They tighten up. Just a little. The
First squeeze is nice. A quick hug.
Soft into your defenselessness. A little
More. The hurt begins. Wrench out a
Smile that slides around the fear. When the
Air disappears,
Your mind pops, exploding fiercely, briefly,
Like the head of a kitchen match. Shattered.”
- Maya Angelou, “Men”
Let me be clear: I am not a “man-ology” expert, nor do I desire to become one, but there are things that have helped me identify the “men” with whom I want to connect in my life.