Watching from above

"I go forth alone, and stand as ten thousand." - Maya Angelou

I look up and see the swaying of the branches. 

Their green offspring dancing in the wind. 

I imagine what she is doing now

Away from our warm embraces and tender kisses 

But never our love. 

I wonder at how much she has witnessed in my life

Where I’ve contorted and constricted myself

So I never saw myself

Past regret and constant shame consume me.

She releases a shrill laugh

Unconcerned with the frowns and stares from others

How could a woman love herself so much

In a world that raised her to hate herself

I relished her boldness

I begged for her bravery

I prayed for her beauty

She broke rules

Created paths that had never been

I was supposed to follow

Too frightened that she wasn’t here to guide me

So I stayed where they wanted me

And lost myself

But she watched 

And waited patiently

For me to give birth to my wisdom

Only birthed from the pain of finally seeing 

What a life feels like when you believe you are worthless. 

I hope she is proud

Not from what I have achieved and accomplished

But from what I am attempting 

Flying fearlessly

And failing fast

So I can finally find

My soul.

My solace.

My self.