When a mother is finally seen
“Becoming a mother makes the world break open. Everything is more frightening. Everything is more tender.” -Jesmyn Ward
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I never saw you leaning
just leading
Always our safe landing
never lauded
for what you do
for us
barely loved
for how you moved
through us
you
were the roof for us
protecting us
through deadly storms
we never saw coming
You were the one
who stayed
when everyone else escaped
who survived,
when we all had drowned
in ourselves
the one who sought more
when we thought
nothing was sure
nothing more
could be done
nothing greater
could be achieved
but you did the unthinkable—
and imagine
Were you lonely?
On the other side
we sat comfortably
in the void
slathering ourselves with
the anguish of
what could have been
what should have been
because we did not notice you
cultivating
cooking
and creating
all the answers
we had been searching for.
Miracles gifted
Tides lifted
Because you kept us
Wept for us
and for me, he, she
and sometimes
in the dark at 2 am
for yourself
will we ever know
how your tears
conceived the plans that
shifted our lives
You remained steadfast
Your presence sculpted our story
despite frequent collisions
of unfathomable events
that you withstood
so we could stand with you
You are unreal.
There was no time
for you to unveil secrets
No time to share how you processed
the hard decisions
when we were unraveling
you traversed
unsteady paths
for both of us
unwavering
when pressure rose
our voices cracking with trepidation
while you kept our bodies
from crumbling
Why is there no safety for warriors?
when they are broken
and at the brink,
barely able to feel the fortitude
to stop
is this your fear —
that
we all might collapse
if you do?
Enshrined within a legacy
of work rife with
weariness and
shrouded with wisdom
taught to keep going
Inherited genes
designed
to keep moving
and doing
nothing you needed
but something others wanted.
How did we ignore you
standing there in the crevice
waiting to bloom
yet on the edge of wilting?
There was a scent
of shame
you felt
that singular time
you dreamed of rest
The aroma intermingling
with the
perfume of boulders
laid one by one
on your back
until you fell
supine
on the grass
finally able to
look up at
the wide expanse
you always missed
while your eyes
were forced forward
back bent
legs wavering to stay upright
clinging to a promise
that would never be kept
We witnessed you
begged you to
pause
breathe
settle
in yourself
just once.
Impossible.
We grasp at you
unable to catch you
to handle the gravity
of you
and everything you lost
carrying us
You continue to evade
our arms
So instead we grabbed the shadow
of your story
the silhouette of the dream
that you never said out loud
Watching fragments of your delight
slip out of your reach
one by one
we wanted to find your truth
searching for the
words lying underneath
the words that you actually said
hoping to recall
what you never told but
expected from us —
to live beyond the borders of life
you had to stay within.
Woman, your back
no longer needs to be
our bridge
we want to see you stand
we long for a glimpse of
your fears
your worries
to become the ship
that brings us closer to you
waiting for your memories and dreams
a precious cargo
we desire to press
close to our chests
and keep with us
forever
You were exhausted
because you were
experiencing life,
engaging with loved ones
no longer in this realm,
examining silence
and waiting for instruction
for permission to unmask
to replace the facade of perfection
with the wounded edifices of
our mothers’ truth.
And when you share
you tremble
because
your narrative
your overcoming
is revealed
and transformed into our affirmation
echoing across the rooms we enter,
actualizing dreams
and setting the stage for how
fantastical realities are born
Your warmth consumes us
coagulates us
so we don’t fall prey
and bleed out
when the frigid air of
someone’s doubt
enters our purview
We are the art you sustain
with a paint stroke
one minute
and a praise note
in the next
we are your inevitable
masterpiece
you edit our mistakes
adding slight touches
to make us beautiful
once again
It will be many years later
when we take the time
to sit at your feet
take it all in,
chew, swallow
and digest all
that is you
Mama,
burn the veil
let me see your face
so I can wipe your tears
so I can know you.
Ah,
there you are.
It is so clear now.
how fervently you believed I was your miracle
And never once knew
you were mine.
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