When I finally let go of you
"I love myself more than anything. And I’m not afraid to say it because I believe that’s what’s gotten me through the most difficult times." - Nikki Giovanni
This is an excerpt from The Healing Journal, where I share my most intimate pieces with our paid subscribers. It is inspired by Nikki Giovanni, who transitioned yesterday, and her constant reminders through her writing for Black women to love, honor and cherish themselves.
I let you break me,
abuse me,
use me,
silence me
and lie to me.
Because
I wanted you to love me.
Now, I am hurting.
But I won’t let you see it.
You see, even in my pain
I still demand that I give you peace
even until there is nothing left of me.
I spent days, weeks, months, years
incessantly trying to mold you a life
that you would cherish.
Perhaps, I thought, once built,
you would finally see me
and cherish me
Yet that was not the case,
I stand here only with pieces,
and remnants of the memories you left behind
You are gone,
and only the thoughts of you remain.
It happened when I said I was hurt.
The result when I responded with my truth.
I am in awe
of how people can call
this love,
when it is control
that they want.
When it is your labor
that they need.
When it is your evolution
that they despise.
I am now unwilling
to hold your insecurities
and repress all my desires,
including the release of the anger
that sits deep inside me.
I must release it,
and the cascade of emotions scares you
because it has become an avalanche,
trapping you in
unable to run from my truth.
In this relationship,
there was an unspoken agreement
that only one of us
would be allowed to be human.
And it certainly wasn’t me.
My existence
morphed into an expectation
to cater to you.
I became merely another ornament
on the tree that is your life.
Only there to endure with a smile,
to continue despite the sorrow.
To speak without a hint of anger
To live without revealing the despair.
But I cannot.
A part of me is willing,
but the other parts
have revolted
They staged a coup,
and took me hostage,
and told me:
You will not
relinquish your humanity
one more time.
You will not appease everyone
except yourself.
You will not give
until you are gone.
"There’s nothing more powerful
than a Black woman
who knows herself."
- Nikki Giovanni
The aftermath of this battle was tumultuous:
lovers became strangers,
family became foreigners in my world,
and friends could no longer recognize me.
And at the end,
there were few left standing
and they held the shattered pieces of me.
Together, we recreated me
into the woman, I needed to be