When Life Won't Let You Sleep: Welcome to The Pivot
Small shifts can change everything. Here's to starting again, even when it's hard.
Welcome to The Pivot. This is a hybrid space, part journal, part newsletter — where I share what I'm living, learning and questions that I need to ask myself to keep moving forward. It's for those who are feeling the call to make a move, to shift. It's a reminder that we don't have to jump off a cliff — just simply turn our bodies just the tiniest bit and pivot. And yet those small movements can be the hardest ones to make.
So I figure I would share my journey so we can do it together. And, if I didn’t mention it before, I'm really glad you're here.
Good morning.
Ok, if I'm being honest, which I am really trying to be - I am extremely frustrated writing this because this is my second attempt to put my thoughts into words, So here we go, again.
But this feels like par for the course. Have you had those weeks, months, maybe even years, when you just wonder, can I have a day with no hiccups? No one is out here looking for fireworks or exciting surprises, just an uneventful, regular, smooth day.
And for months, this has seemed to elude me. The place where this has happened most often is during sleep.
For the past nine or ten months, there hasn't been a night when I could close my eyes and remain in that trance until morning. Instead, sometime in the middle of the night, when everything is still and there is silence, I'm awoken — and I still wonder by whom, by what. But I guess most importantly, why.
I'm a big fan of the why, a big proponent that almost everything has a purpose. So, I have compelled myself to believe that the hours I am reluctantly awake must have a goal. Maybe I'm supposed to be listening, waiting, or learning something as my eyes stare at the ceiling, then my pillow, then the sky.
And I guess that's what's held me back from self-medicating to try and lull my body down and escape the insomnia.
I have experienced pivots before, and so for some reason, they have almost always been preceded by an extended time of insomnia before the actual move. I also realize this is not just a me thing. As a physician, I have seen a pattern that when we have biological transitions, either developmentally or hormonally, sleep is usually the first martyr.
So I'm wondering if a transition is at bay. Ok, I'm not wondering. I know it is. I just don't want to step off this warm, sandy and most importantly, safe shore.
I'm not a stranger to it — anyone. who knows me knows that. It seems I can't stay put in one career or toward one goal for too long. It seems that the path that is the most circuitous is the one that I find, and still, I'll find a way to step off of it.
And so I'm wondering how I figure out, where is it that I'm supposed to be calling next? If this is something you're dealing with - can you reply back. A girl needs help.
It's very clear that where I am is not where I want to stay, and where I've been is not where I want to return.
And at times, I wonder if I would have to do the hard thing of experiencing what it is I don't want, but I can't see that being the epiphany. I can't see that being the spirit-led path, where what doesn't align is where I must be placed.
Yes, the journey to finally feeling settled can be difficult and always has been. But the destination I envision should bring peace, right? It should bring a sigh of relief that, “ok yes, that's where I'm going.” That is what keeps us on the journey
But what happens when the vision isn't clear? Or does it look so overwhelming that you don't know how to take the first step?
What happens then? I definitely don't think we should move in trepidation, but in trust.
So I'm trying to find out how to trust myself again. I've made a number of decisions- relationships I entered and things I said yes to, that didn't turn out the way I planned and frankly, have made me doubt trusting myself,
So, maybe that's the work.,
If you're finding yourself stuck, too, or massively unclear, maybe the answer is not looking up or out into the distance. Maybe it's looking inward.
And listening, so when we hear or see the thing that appears daunting, our biggest task is to trust ourselves that we can absolutely make it come to life.
This week, remember the promise of the pivot. Let the journeys of the past inspire us to be daring and brave enough for the new ones.
To powerful pivots. I can't wait to see where we end up.
Sending you lots of love.
O
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