Why we never give up control. Only humans do that. Not heroes.

"Each day, our patients teach us the most important lesson in how to heal- sharing our stories."

It’s so funny how we, as healers, are allowed to enter the minds, bodies, and lives of so many yet know so little about our own.

I've been thinking about control for the past few weeks. I've been thinking about how little control I've had in my life since I made my decision to become a healer.  That decision can happen at any stage in our life; when it does, it transforms everything.

As for me, I had an extraordinary four years of freedom (that I vaguely remember), and then at age 5, I said the magical words that every Nigerian mother would love to hear- “Mommy, I want to be a doctor.” I’ll probably share that story in a future piece- it’s hilarious in a really morbid way.

Anyway,  from that day on, there was no turning back. The little autonomy I had scraped together by age five was gone. Yet, we all feel that shift whether the decision happens as a teenager or a young adult.  Most, if not all, of my choices about what I would choose to do, what opportunities I would engage with, and which ones I would let go of were all in deference to that one momentary decision.

So what happens when your whole life is built around a decision you made when your brain wasn't even fully formed? How do you even know what you want when you start your journey at 16 and are forced to stop for the first time at 38?  I think about that now as someone who no longer practices Western traditional medicine. It’s been almost two years.

I agree with the mantra that once a healer, always a healer. Yet, now that I have stepped away, I feel that I would have been a better healer. Now, don’t get me wrong, my patients loved me. Like, a “we are going to stalk you on Facebook if you leave” type of love; which did happen and was strangely heartwarming and scary at the same time- but I digress.

Yet, upon reflection, the training of healers is problematic. A tradition that demands that one subset of people is chosen to learn mountains of information, in so doing, is bequeathed control and authority over the bodies and minds of others. I believe it doesn’t sit right with me because at no point in our journey to heal others are we forced to look inward and get healed ourselves. We force others to get dirty, messy and naked with their thoughts and experiences, but we never are forced to do that messy work. It’s just one of the things that made me go,” Hmmm.”

We never can give up control. Only humans do that.  Not heroes.

Moreover, we don’t attempt to, either. We have front row seats to how people have to be their most vulnerable in our presence, which scares us.

Maybe, it just scared me.  It scared me so much that I dreaded my doctor visits, especially the check-ups. At least with sick visits, I only had to share the bare minimum. As a black woman, who has had to learn how to reclaim her humanity and self-preservation, there was intense anxiety that would arise, having to reveal the parts of me that were not strong but were very broken and weak.