Will the real friendships stand up?

“Friendship between women is often the model for relationships between people. It is based on recognition, nurturing, and equality.” - bell hooks

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After a storm, there is always debris, and only the strongest connections survive. In these valleys, we see the humanity of others, what we’ve allowed, and what we’re willing to tolerate. It is here, when everything has been broken, that we can see our friendships for what they are and acknowledge what we’ve been willing to tether ourselves to.

I am difficult to be friends with. It is a painstakingly slow process, and most people shake their heads and walk away. Others decide that I’m asking for way too much. It's always been very difficult for me to trust others for the many reasons that all of us are familiar with—fears of betrayal, rejection, abandonment, disappointment, and so on. However, I have found that my challenge is not in making friends but in feeling the grief of pouring time into relationships that may never transform into friendships.

I like to go deep quickly, and most people are very uncomfortable with this. Most of us who can count our friends on one hand have this eccentricity. I've never been one for small talk, and I've always been envious of the people who do this so well. There are so many talented people around me, like my mother, my youngest daughter, and my brother. And every time I see them work a crowd, I'm always in awe.

Venturing into connections with others is a perilous journey for me. I want to learn about these people, see them, understand them, identify their problems, and help them solve each one. I don’t want to meet you; I want to know you.

Understandably, to most people, I am frightening. In turn, I have lived a life in fear of creating relationships because I find myself bleeding into them so easily. For me, the word "friend" has a depth and expansiveness that only a few are in accordance with.

As we grow older, I think many of us are now feeling the heaviness that we carry. And in this revelation, we realize that it will take more than ourselves to carry the load. We also recognize that we have surrounded ourselves with people who did not sign up for that task. So, there is a clearing that must be done, and it cannot be accomplished in any way other than intentionally, and that is the most painful part.

The few that remain are so precious because both people have witnessed the beauty and benefits of being poured into when one is at one's emptiest. This has left me with an extremely small circle. Each member has a specific role in my life that has become more specific over the years, and that way, I have learned how not to burden their love.

As a woman, the word “friend” has never fully embodied what these specific women in my life have given me. The word "sister" comes closer, as we have shared each other’s truths over decades. We have seen each other grow and have been there for the mountains we have climbed and the valleys that ravaged our souls.

In my head, I see my friendships like a circle of trees in a vast forest. After so many years, our roots have crossed and embedded. It’s difficult to separate myself from these women because my journey is inextricably linked to theirs. Our stories are interwoven like a hand-stitched quilt that can never quite be replicated.

Our circle of trees stand tall and grow to the sun only because we can, at any time, deliver the nutrients that each of our sister trees need when they are not getting what she requires. We fill the gap together as a collective, ensuring no one is depleted and no one is overwhelmed. We are so tightly bound that it’s difficult for anyone to penetrate, and it’s extremely difficult for any of us to leave. We don’t just say goodbye but will fight for these friendships. And if we do have to extricate ourselves, we have come to terms with the fact that we will be broken.

But we can grow again.

These connections are a masterful dance between growing independently yet intertwined. We can see when one of us is falling and use our branches, now old and weathered, to still keep her trunk upright. And if she does fall, which trees do occasionally, we know that a little piece of us might get hurt in the process. This is a part of our unspoken agreement.

I am in a very dark period in my life. When we experience these moments, too many of us have been instructed to put our trust in romantic and familial relationships and to regard our friendships as relationships that are only there for the light, not the darkness.

For me, my friendships are the relationships that carry me through each twist and turn effortlessly. In the midst of this, our bond matures in the darkness because we must become naked and exposed. It is this vulnerability with other humans that has been the hardest part, but it has reinforced that this collective of women is my safe haven. We have become each other’s refuge, which is the most beautiful gift that one human can bestow on another.

I thought that I would wither away in the tumultuous storms that have come this year. I thought that I would be broken. I thought that I would be unable to rise again. I had no idea that my sister-friends were this strong- strong enough to lift me, rescue me while they battle their own demons and restore me. I’m so ashamed to have dismissed their power but I try to give myself grace for my oversight.

I mean, isn’t this how we grow, recognizing our mistaken beliefs and making silent oaths to change them? It is only as we experience that we learn.

I think the most miraculous thing about these trees of friendship is seeing how they grow into the next generation. Watching your friends' children bond with your own children is finally seeing what your friendship looks like from the outside, and it is breathtaking. I still cannot comprehend that I was not born connected to these women, yet it feels like we have been together all our lives. And so, we ensured that our children were born connected, cementing our legacies together.

I pray that they nurture these relationships long after my friends and I have left this Earth, because I am unsure if they will ever find relationships that come close.

However, what has been most valuable is discovering my flaws through these connections. Through our disagreements and conflicts, I recognize how I could have shown up better, demonstrated love better, and wrapped my arms—my branches—around these women better.

Upon reflection, I finally see how easily they have forgiven me, allowed me to be flawed, and given me space and time to improve. In these moments, I learn that I never had to earn their love and that I never had to do in order to be done for.

The path to our love is so much simpler than I was taught. We didn’t need to be anything; we just needed to be there. And so we were.

So we continue rising towards the sun, separately but always here for each other.

For the rest of our lives.

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